few yrs back, i'll definitely take her watsover scoldins. her harsh way of speakin, her knife-stabbin words, her sacarstic remarks, her lame jokes. but not now. watever she said is extrememly sensitive to me. i don lauf at her jokes anymore, i don lower my head down n claimed tat im wrong by her sacarstic remarks anymore. however much hurt i felt, i still cant stopped e tears flowin down. utterly heartbroken. extremely disappointed. shld i feel angry? or was it my fault to drop by e sch todae? i donno. my feelins were numb now. i don feel tat much as i felt before.

stepped into tat buildin where i once started on my teenage path. was crossin e road halfway when i saw her car drove past. she muz hav left for unity. tot could hav wave a hi to her. but her car drove away in another direction. climbed up those stairs where i used to always climb up n down for lessons, n was greeted by jannah's calin out of my name. joked wif her for awhile n went into e band rm. they were havin sectionals i realised. put my bag down, went to get instru n settled down wif e sec1s. managed to coach them here n there, but somehow, juz felt somethin's lackin in them. discipline. *shruggs* im in no position to discipline them anywae. went along wif it n finally settled down for full band. za conducted. played thru those pieces needed for e 40th anniversary. aft za left, they rested awhile.

n she came in. was standin at one side wif peirong. she started tokin bout alumnis.

"i've nv like students not under me before."

so.. all along she had been puttin tat matter onto heart. all along, she had nv forgiven us. all along, she's been havin another tot on us. e alumnis. e used-to-be her beloved n well-trusted students. mind u, USED-TO-BE her BELOVED n WELL-TRUSTED students. n she ended wif, "e audition for alumni band is fake one. u guys under me will definitely be in. n e idea of havin audition is to scare them ('98 batch) off."

pls for goodness sake. e '98 batch of pp were pp who were paid to teach. y would they be scared off by ur audtion? ok fine. watever. i made do wif it. she claimed if tanglin alumnis can get together n help out e band like wat shuqun's alumnis been doin, tanglin's will definitely boomed. n welcomed us to play tat black hawk song. initially, tot she had casted those bad memories behind her. felt like we're back to her used-to-be beloved students when we were actually asked to play wif e band together. before she went to e front to conduct, she gave me a smirkly smile. "huh, my zhihui's already been givin me attitude huh." ok fine. watever. i don deny my attitude towards her was bad, her attitude towards us was equally as bad. played wif them then. jannah ah jannah, my good junior indeed. could even tell tat my mood's been changed totally even when i acted normal juz now. acted. maybe my skills sux. watever. aft black hawk, she asked me to play a scale for her to listen whether i've improved. well, i donno bout my skills, but my techniques n sight-readin's had improved though. been taught diff stuffs in sp. cornet's playin no longer bein implied on trumpet. need more resonance in playin instead of e used-to-be-barely-heard sound of mine. she then walked over to teach me a 'magic' which had been taught in sp. stuffin cloth into e bell, actin as practise mute. n asked me to blast out low g. its hard, din have dinner n had practised too much of lip scales before tat. she insisted on me playin louder n louder. n finally took her cloth out. ok watever. then played celebrations for winds n perc.

before leavin tsmb, wanted to renew e loanin of mouthpiece. went to ask her for permission to borrow. since she's e tao here, at least hav to show her some respect.

me: ms tan, am i allowed to borrow tanglin mouthpiece?
she: no. cannot. who knoes u might juz run away wif the mouthpiece?
me: oh.
she: wat do u need it for?
me: for sp band practices. im used to usin tat mouthpiece size n sp does not hav tat size.
she: no. u're not allowed to borrow. tats ur prob in sp. u either buy urself or u ask sp to buy.
me: oh.
she: you've yet to prove urself to me n i still don trust u. n u better don steal tat mouthpiece.

-fainted- tat last sentence is enuf to kill me. wat hav i done wrong? i was merely askin permission for borrowin, n this was wat i get in e end? all e maligns? i'll steal mouthpiece? did i ever hav a record in stealin..? tat sentence, left a deep wounded scar in my heart. a wound tat will nv ever heal back. im 100% sure. so.. i realised, my 4yrs in tanglin were bai fei one. wasted my precious time, bein so involved in band n so willin to even die for band. i was such a fool back then to hav done all these committments. used-to-be her bunch of well-trusted students. e trust she had in me all these yrs were gone. was it becoz of e alumni thingy? was it becoz of yx? was is becoz she tot i was bein misled by him tats y she don trust me? (sry yx, not blamin u. was juz writin how i feel. but no blamings were involved.) come on loh. even if she don trust yx, i can understand tat. hadnt i proved myself enuf all these yrs? where's e trust she had in me? felt so miserable. well, maybe i shldnt feel tat way. but y? WHY IS IT TAT ALL ALUMNIS WILL BE CONSIDERED AS STEALIN-PRONE PEOPLES, AS NOT TRUSTWORTHY PEOPLES?! W H Y???!!!

if tats wat she tinks i am, then i really got nothin else to say. tot i could stop tokin bout such stuffs once n for all. but i was wrong. felt like such a stupid fool to devote so much of my time on band even durin olvl period. watever. im not goin to step into tat band rm whenever she's ard. or i'll nv ever step into tanglin for band purpose for good.

i don wan to feel so miserable over such stuffs anymore. im tired of it.